This piece is based on a journal entry I wrote September 28, 2017 during an enlightening conversation with David R. Cope, a pioneer in understanding the mechanics of the mind. Over the last twelve years, he has developed cutting-edge psychological protocols that reinterpret and redefine the mainstream perspective on mankind’s chronic behavioral and health issues.  

I sought David out to discuss overcoming lifelong high-functioning anxiety and depression, and to sort through some "complicated grieving". This conversation changed my life, so in the sprit of building engagement and openness through stories that I've gained from my involvement with Open Labs, [more on that below] I'll share here.

There is a part of me that doesn’t want to acknowledge my weaknesses.

I’ve been this strong facade my whole life.

I want control over how people see me.

I feel safe when I have control over how people see me.

At first I turned off all the fun and authentic parts of me to fit in and please my parents,

and then I added character traits to play the political game to reach the top of the school and career ladders.

I turned off sensitive goofball Kate, and turned into this bold, smart, caring but serious persona.

I was leading change, helping others, passionate beyond belief, people thought I was awesome - my happiness didn’t seem important.

It took countless cycles of hitting rock bottom to fully grasp that I have to take care of myself first in order to help others.

I’ve tried so many ways to help myself.  Sought professional help.

Always eventually sinking back into unbearable anxious despair and nagging suicidal thoughts.

I tell myself I’ve “lived and survived just fine, don’t worry about it” -- but that’s the illness and facade talking. 

If I’m honest, it hasn’t been “just fine” at all.

Even now,  after leaving the corporate world to focus on myself and my dreams,

when I’m at the happiest I’ve ever been, a happiness I never believed was possible for me,

I feel like there’s still something blocking me from moving forward.

I feel powerful and powerless all at the same time.

I feel powerless when my anxiety seems to come up out of nowhere and stops all brain and bodily function,

When I second guess my ideas or can’t seem to express them because they’re so complex,

When I act authentically and my parents and colleagues don’t support me, so I just stop sharing,

When no matter how much I encourage myself, I still can’t get out of bed or connect with anyone.

I feel powerless when I conform to social norms, which includes trying to be ANYTHING, or anyone else.

I feel powerless when I’m not expressing myself.

I want to feel powerless?

I want to be powerless.

I’ve  been using my mental illness as an excuse to continue to not express myself.

I don’t have any other excuses.

So much of my life has been easy and blessed,  when you look at it on paper.

Even expressing myself was once easy - an award-winning young poet and artist - but I shut that down when I was teased for my sensitivities,  frequent tears and smarts, and scolded for impractical dreams.

I’ve recently realized that for the past 20 years I’ve been confusing expressing my ideas with expressing myself.

I’m scared, now, to listen to and share my voice and emotions widely...

yet when I do open up and speak honestly, it always feels so good.

My power comes from my self-expression.

I know I am the happiest when I am being myself.

Yes, I can see how my persona and efforts to be something has been increasing, even creating, my anxiety and depression,

all the willpower draining in every mask-wearing moment.

Because we are meant to be ourselves. Strongest as ourselves.

As long as I maintain this persona, I will maintain the anxiety and depression.

I just have to be Kate - no description attached.

Then I will be empowered to have the identity, health, happiness and motivation to live - on my terms.

I can no longer try to be.

I must shatter this mask.

Be vulnerable.

Be open.

Be me.

Just Be.

“Being open” and yourself isn’t as easy as it sounds when you’ve spent two decades pretending to be someone else to avoid social stigma.

Thank goodness I met Lance Powers, just a month or so after this conversation, at Denver Startup Week. The Brain Crawl opened my eyes to a community dedicated to openness and support, and immediately knew I had to be part of it.

After attending a creative, hands-on, welcoming Open Summit, I knew I had found my tribe, who continues to inspire me to be brave and open, to not only help myself, but also to help all the neurodivergent out there with similar experiences.

Check out the video below from that Summit, and then talk to me about how with an Open Labs membership, partnership or donation, you too can help bust social norms and create a fun, safe, open future for everyone.

And yes, I am honestly happy and thriving now.

The blog "My Unmasking" talks more about Coach Kate's personal and professional journey.