How Do Emails and Texts Sound and Feel To You? What "Voice" Might Need a New Perspective?
The Challenge
We’ve all been there. It’s a normal day, everything is going fine, and then you get a text or email from someone that sends your thoughts and emotions reeling.
While there was no real voice behind the message, in our head we hear a very particular tone of voice and assume intent. Very often negative, condescending and angry — as we are wired to prepare for the worst in case a predator is around the corner.
Based on how we interpret the message we create a story about the sender and the situation — and then respond accordingly.
When it’s a “negative” story we create, we often find ourselves in a “downward spiral” and turn to our default “fight, flight, freeze or appease.”
I’m a “freezer,” and have been known to cry, sit and panic as I think through how dumb or bad I am or they are for quite a bit before I can talk myself back to calm and rationally addressing to and responding to the situation.
I know others who fire off messages really quickly in anger saying things they never would otherwise (fight), those who wrap themselves into knots trying to make sure the other person isn’t mad and the situation is resolved to their liking (appease), and those who just ignore it and just try to avoid or leave the situation (flight).
And after all of that, most often, the message was actually innocuous without the meaning we attributed. Or, if there is some stress-filled emotion there, it doesn’t mean we have to respond in the same way.
The Opportunity
We have the power to control “the story” and our response — to avoid the downward spirals that make us dread the rest of our day (or week).
For me, the best way to prevent getting stuck in story is by reading the text-based message out loud in a variety of different voices with different intents. I play some improv, imagining into all the ways it could come to life with intentional focus on finding kindness.
It can be helpful for me to use different silly voices or to imagine different people behind the message, as well. Such as, a fairy god mother or kindergarten teacher, a doctor seeking to help you, a child seeking to understand you or the situation. Your best friend.
For instance
You receive a message from your boss saying, “Hey, what’s going on with the top secret project? Everyone is asking about it.”
You could hear that in a stern, concerned voice assuming people are asking about the project in a bad way, and why do they even know about it - it’s secret. You might feel like you’re in trouble and have done something wrong, and racking your brain.
Instead, play though some alternatives.
Imagine the person is the local busybody who loves to hear all the gossip at the hair salon. Her voice is higher yet in a whisper, leaning over, hoping to be part of the excitement.
Imagine the sender is a kindergarten teacher, a soft and lilting voice full of care and concern — do you need any help?
Imagine the sender is a reporter, trying to get all the details of the latest Marvel movie out of smiling actors, so excited for it to get to theatres.
You might also just try funny voices, or doing impressions. How would Donald Duck say it, or Batman?
Of course it doesn’t mean any of these interpretations might be right — probably none of them are!
The point is, after I’ve played with many different perspectives and voices and scenarios, my body is usually out of fight/flight/freeze/appease mode and I can re-read the message without any real emotion at all, and respond in a more authentic, grounded manner.
For instance, what might have first been a, “Oh shit, has there been security breach? Did I miss something in my last report? What are they saying?” Could turn into a simply curious and confident, “Ooh, who’s everyone? The Q1 report has all the information we can share widely at this time.” or “A quick phone call to touch base would actually be great.” (Or something like that.)
So - try it out and let me know what you think!