Is it Me or the Inner B*?
The Inner B* aka the inner critic, is a psychological concept that refers to an inner voice - a sub personality - that evaluates and criticizes a person, even expressing frustration or disapproval about our actions. It says things like "I/you should," "why didn't you?," "what's wrong with you/me?," or "why can't you/I get it together?". It can be demeaning - saying you are bad, wrong, inadequate, worthless, guilty and so on. It can cause feelings of shame, deficiency, low self-esteem, and depression, and may undermine self-confidence. These thoughts can be anxiety-provoking, triggering shut down, procrastination, avoidance, self-sabotage or destructive behaviors.
One of the reasons the inner critic can “get the best of us,” is because it can be hard to distinguish from our objective thoughts, as we hear it along with the jumble of all of our other thoughts.
The good news is, we can come to understand and shift our relationship with our personal inner critics. Perhaps even turn that Inner B* into your Inner BFF. And that is what this article and play-along exercise is all about.
Just grab something to write (and maybe draw!) with!
Part A: Identify your inner critic
Start by making a list of all the ways you hear your inner critic, referencing the “6 Ways to Recognize It’s the Inner Critic Talking” list below.
If you think in “I” statements, rewrite as a "you" statement for purposes of this exercises.
EX: "I'm not hustling enough...thin enough...I'm a failure...." ----> "You're not hustling enough...you’re not thin enough...You're a failure..."
2. Then, read all of the "you" negative statements out loud, and reflect:
Do you get the feeling that someone else is talking to you? If so, who?
Do you detect an unfriendly tone? Is there a particular voice or person you hear?
What is your relationship with your inner critic?
Do these statements trigger more negative statements? If so, add them to the list.
How do these statements make you feel?
Would you ever say something like that to a friend?
3. Spend a few minutes visualizing your inner critic, and examining your relationship with it. Bonus points to draw it out, use AI to create an image, do a Google Image Search, etc to really “bring it to life.”
In my case, my inner critic usually sounds like a perfection-obsessed old lady telling me to do more and do better while also telling me I’m wasting my time…
Part B: Understand your inner critic
1. Now, take a minute to have a compassionate, curious conversation with your inner critic, and ask them “why” they are saying these things. Why are you speaking to yourself this way? What is your inner critic is really worried about?
The inner critic is often trying to protect you from:
certain emotions — such as embarrassment, fear, shame, being vulnerable, sad, angry
and/or certain situations — such as getting out of your comfort zone, potential disapproval from others, potential disappointment, making mistakes, missing something, not knowing something, living out of alignment with your values, etc.
Which, on the surface feels like a nice thing. But the reality is - we need to get uncomfortable and make mistakes to learn. Our big dreams will also bring up a bit of fear because they are so important to us. And there are no “bad” emotions - just emotions trying to convey some important information to act on. So it’s better to chat with the inner critic, understand what is really going on, process our emotions, and make an objective, values-based action plan.
2. WHO - what aspect of YOU - is your inner critic really worried about? What are your inner most concerns? What does your inner inner critic need from you? If you’d like, take a moment to draw, image search, etc this version of yourself that is being protected and what they are afraid of.
My inner critic is actually a little girl with big dreams and dedication, who feels like she has the eyes of the world on her, and that she’ll lose everyone she loves if she doesn’t shine the way they want her to. She really wants to be told it’s okay to grow slowly, to make and learn from her mistakes, and to not be the best at everything - or anything - if she wants. She wants to be able to appreciate the journey of her efforts, and not be so obsessed about the outcome and destination.
Part C. Change the conversation
1. Take another piece of paper and place it along the right side of the first one that has your list of inner critic phrases. On this new page, next to each “you” statement, try to express a realistic and impartial view of yourself, your qualities, and your reactions, with your new inner critic vision in mind. This time, make sure to state this point of view in the first person (“I” statements.)
What would a compassionate friend or an objective observer say or see about you in relation to the critical inner voice says?
What would you like the inner critic to say instead?
2. Now, read all of the realistic “I” statements out loud, and examine:
How might the inner critic be helpful?
What relationship would you like to have?
What role would you like your critic to play in your life? How could they show up as your Inner BFF ?
3. As you’d like, draw a final picture representing yourself as you really are, not distorted by the filter of your critical inner voice.
My true self - I am a creative, loving human who is just trying to have fun and help people — it’s a messy journey being human and I am trying, even if it doesn’t always turn out as I planned. I scan the universe for “ahas” within the complexities of life. People will love me no matter how “good” or “bad” I do this.
My inner critic is loudest when I’m being my boldest — usually a sign I’m on the right track AND that it might be useful to slow down for a risk and emotional assessment - making sure my real inner self feels safe and loved by me, and breathing deep while checking in with my values.
Moving Forward
Continue to build your awareness of when the inner critic shows up and what it says so you can: pause to examine how you feel; understand and process why you might be feeling that way; provide perspective and self-encouragement; and take value and strength-based actions to keep moving forward.